Brazilian, 21 years old, Psychology student in college, survival of sexual abuse. This blog intends to help other survivals, any kind of questions can be sent. You are not alone.
Trigger warning for content related to sexual abuse.

 

(trigger warning)

“Hey my pretty little princess, I didn’t see you today, is everything okay? I miss you!”

So, this is my dad and the message he just sent me. My sweet and caring dad who’s loved by all of my friends and family because he’s so good to me and he’s such a nice person and loves me so much…

This is my dad. The same one that sexually abused me for years.

There is a difference between ‘forgetting’ and ‘moving on.’ You will never forget what happened to you, but you can learn to put it behind you in time.

my therapist (via beautyinthebellejar)

Me: Well, my rapist said...

My therapist: I like how you said that. 'My rapist.' It's kinda like you're saying to him, "I own you now, bitch."

There are days that I think I’m ruined for life. And there are days that I think I’m blessed cause it could have been worse.

There are days that I wake up exited about my plans and there are days that I wake up wishing I could stay in bed. But there is not one single day that I don’t think about what he did to me and all the damage it caused me.

I wanna talk about recovery (tw sexual abuse)

I saw a picture today of a girl pointing a gun to the camera. It was realistic as hell and so incredibly intense that I felt like I was her. Maybe because I was her a while back in many of my dreams, not only the ones I used to have at night, but in my wishes too.
Going a little far back to a time when I thought I didn’t feel anger I can remember my therapist saying that it was because my conscience couldn’t let me, otherwise I would kill my father. I would stab him to death in his sleep, he said, I would stab him until I was covered in blood and than I would stab my mother. The funny thing is that I didn’t feel nothing when I heard that, as always. During the abuse as well, I never felt. The bad grades, the anxiety, the self harm, the depression, the trust that I used to see sinking in a dark hole somewhere, all of this was real, but the anger wasn’t. I remember going to bed after he was finished and all I could think was “is this real?” but then I always forced myself to sleep. I always forced myself NOT TO think and I never did until I found my therapist. The only one who could actually help me, who came after the seven others I tried to go. And I started to feel anger when I could finally realize that the things that my father did to me was the reason for the living hell I was in for seven years. Seven fucking years. But you know what? I didn’t last long. It was so intense as the picture I saw today, but it didn’t last. My therapist did a good job, he helped me pulling this out but only when I was ready. Only when the nightmares stopped, when I no longer saw myself as a victim, when there weren’t cuts in my arms anymore, when I could finally stop the medicines because I found something to live for. I learned how to think about the sexual abuse without hurting myself and in a way that can actually help me. And that’s why I’m here and that’s why I’m writing this post. Because I follow so many amazing survival blogs and I see all you strong people fighting… But I see the days that you let the trauma take control as well. But those days will stop. I assure you it will. Until last year I thought I would always be defined by my abuse, but I’m not. Not anymore.
Keep up your strength.
We are much more than those nights.

  1. You are stronger than you realise.
  2. You are crueller than you realise.
  3. The smallest words will break your heart.
  4. You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago.
  5. People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.
  6. You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep.
  7. You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat.
  8. You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to.
  9. Never stop yourself texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9.30 a.m., tell them again.
  10. Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the Travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place.
  11. You will be scared of all kinds of things, of spiders and clowns and eating alone, but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself.
  12. Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it.
  13. You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners but still fill a bed.
  14. Always be friends with the broken people. They know how to survive.
  15. You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call.
  16. You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter.
  17. You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin.
  18. Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you.
  19. People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening.
  20. You will be okay.
  21. You will be okay.

21 things my father never told me (via fuckmestupid)

Number 14.

(via messrjamesprongspotter)

Oh my, number 11 really resonates.

(via bailzosaurus)

(Source: ohthativy)

survivorrat:

I’ve heard this is pretty common among abuse survivors and I’ve gotten it a few times. It seems to be that they don’t want to believe rape happens as often as it does and try to convince the victim that it wasn’t rape so that they can keep their world view intact.

we-r-survivors:

We Are Survivors

This is so triggering and having such strong flashbacks without struggling felt so good… It feels good to be finally healing…

we-r-survivors:

We Are Survivors

This is so triggering and having such strong flashbacks without struggling felt so good… It feels good to be finally healing…

I Did. Not. Ask. For. This (very triggering, rape details, PTSD)

iamnotthesociopath:

(an account of what happened in my rape. triggering)

I did not ask for six hours of entrapment with a psychopath.

I did not ask for his warm saliva to congeal in my mouth. I did not ask for the stinging, pressing burn of his fingerprints against my body igniting like pooling lakes of incendiary…

Whenever you tell yourself that you weren’t raped or that your experience wasn’t bad or that it could have been worse, you are giving every rapist a reprieve that they do not deserve.

lowerthanalexis:

"Seen on a newspaper in India, a country with one of the highest rates of rape and sexual abuse"

lowerthanalexis:

"Seen on a newspaper in India, a country with one of the highest rates of rape and sexual abuse"

7 Things You Need To Do If You Have Abusive Parents